Monday, October 22, 2012
Today the lovely Gae Polisner is going to share a story and her thoughts on bullying.
I signed on to twitter this a.m. and “R.I.P. Amanda Todd” is
trending.
It breaks my heart.
For a month now, I’ve been trying to write a post for National
Bullying Prevention and Awareness Month and haven’t been able to bring
myself to do it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it makes me too angry and frustrated
because I’m afraid that the supposedly-eloquent writer in me won’t be able to
express to you what I hope to, in order to make an impact. I fear I won’t.
Because, here’s the thing, I was bullied pretty badly. Pretty
much on a daily basis for much of high school. It’s hard to recount the details
of the whys because, truly, they are fuzzy now, but I can tell you that I did
NOT deserve it.
I was a sweet, loving kid who only wanted people to like me.
I wanted to feel, pretty, popular and included. People sometimes said I came
off stand-offish or aloof (and, perhaps, equated this to being “stuck up”)
which made them think I was way more secure than I was. I was not secure. I was envious and longing: I wanted to be all the
other prettier girls, to have their hair, their clothes, their bodies, their bouncy,
easy personalities and confidence. But, I guess I could also fake my own outer
confidence, even if my inner confidence was shattered.
In high school, I hung on the fringe of the “popular crowd”
– back then the kick-liners and cheerleaders who dated the jocks, even though I
was neither. I was smart and funny, and should have hung out more with the more
studious kids (although I definitely did straddle those two crowds). Believe me, my parents tried to tell me.
My three major incidents of being bullied.
Through most of 11th grade one popular girl and
her best friend (Liz & Beth, yes, I do remember their names) called me a
slut every time I passed in the hall (Um,
I was a virgin at the time, girls, but
okay) because I went out with her ex-boyfriend. “Slut!” “Big f*cking slut!”
every single time I passed in the hall.
Through most of 11th grade and into 12th
grade, one girl (Corinne) threatened my life (including via phone calls to my
home) on a daily basis after she heard me recount a story about her sister to my
best friend. It was the day after a party and her sister (a) had made out with the
guy I had been currently dating, and then (b) threatened to beat the crap out
of me when I walked by, so I suggested she stop talking about it and just do it
and, when we walked outside, I just stood there waiting. She apparently got mad
because I put her in the position to put her money where her mouth was, and was
embarrassed that she really couldn’t act on her words.
I laughed recounting the story to my friend and this made
her sister mad.
Senior year, a third girl – yes, a third, no kidding – named
Sue beat me up upon arrival back to the school after lunch. I went to lunch
with her boyfriend (fyi, he also happened to be one of my closest friends for the
past three years of high school – she was new to the school) because he asked me to as a friend to CONSOLE
him, after she had just broken up with
him.
He and I were totally platonic, and spoke on the phone every
night for years.
And, yes, in all three of these situations, the boys I liked so much,
whether as friends or otherwise, CLEARLY did not do the right thing and stand
up for me. I should have picked better friends.
When I left high school, I used to say (and, pretty much
still say) that I wouldn’t go back there for all the money in the world. Not
$1,00,000. Not $3,000,000. Not $10,000,00.
BUT HERE’S THE THING: if
you are suffering, if you are being bullied, even if no one is doing what they
should to STOP those bullies: it DOES
GET BETTER.** And, SOONER than you think!
There comes a point in your life where you not only DON’T
FEEL HURT OR ANGRY OR BROKEN anymore, but you DON’T EVEN CARE about
those moments. If anything, you look back at them as something that made you
STRONGER, and a more compassionate person. Good qualities, mind you, that will
serve you well later in life.
And, here’s something you need to know: not once during all
that bullying did I ever even consider killing myself as an option. Not once. Maybe because I had people who
loved me, a friend or two who supported me – though not always as well as they
should have – and, most importantly, a family that talked me through it. Because
of this, maybe, I do worry a little about YA novels that show suicide as an
option, even if it’s supposed to demonstrate why it’s the wrong option. Suicide
should NEVER be an option for a time in your life that is so fleeting, such a
minute fraction of the life and world that lies before you.
If you are being bullied, talk to a trusted adult.
Find a different kind of friend who will support you no
matter what.
KNOW that, not only
will you get through it, but in a few short years, you won’t even give a flying
f*ck. Do you hear me? YOU WON’T GIVE A FLYING F*CK!
And, if all else fails, email me. I’m not kidding. I will
remind you every day that in a few short years you will be past it. <3
My heart breaks for Amanda Todd and her family, for every
child that feels such despair. Sometimes, my heart still breaks for teen me.
A few years ago, through facebook, I learned that the girl
who bullied me worst – Corinne – died violently at the hands of a boyfriend. I
wept when I found out. I hated her then. She terrified me beyond what I can
explain. But now, the only thing I feel is an urge to hug her, to tell her I’m
sorry things were so hard for her, that I know how hard adolescence is.
TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING. Yes, the teen years can be hard. But
they pass in the blink of an eye, and they fade, and you're left with a long,
sparkling, brand new future ahead of you in which you get to be happy and
comfortable in your own skin, in being exactly who you are.
- gae
** this fabulous campaign is aimed at LGBT kids, but really
it applies to all kids.
Gae is a writer, lawyer/mediator and mother.
Her first novel, The Pull of Gravity (fsg), follows two teens on a secret, whirlwind roadtrip to keep a promise to their dying friend. Her next YA novel is forthcoming from Algonquin Books.
When Gae's not writing, lawyering, or parenting, she can be found obsessively swimming, mostly in the open waters off the Long Island Sound.
She promises you that things do get better.
RULES:
Open to US Only * Winner must respond within 48 hours*
*Please note, all giveaways will be shipped out at the end of the month.*
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9 comments:
Sigh. Beautiful post Gae. Amanda Todd's story has resonated with me so much. I asked my kids if they'd heard of her. My daughter (older) said, "oh the slut". It broke my heart. I made my girls watch her video and she immediately changed her mind. It is so sad how easily swayed teens are by words. Even my daughter who is usually so accepting of people and who I find so nonjudgmental. My heart hurts just thinking about those words coming out of her mouth. I'm sorry for your high school stories, but yes, I reiterate to all those teens out there that it does get better. And soon. And if you're feeling alone there are other who feel that way too, find them and reach out.
Thanks, Megan. I think sometimes kids are just so thoughtless with their words without meaning much by them, or without really grasping how very powerful they are. Despite how much info there is out there.
It breaks my heart to read of such things. There is nothing worse than being bullied when one is so young. Your story resonated with me, Gae. Although my experiences were different, they were upsetting to say the least.
Teens need to know that it's okay to reach out and ask for help. Problem is, sometimes parents and/or caregivers don't listen when their children are screaming.
Thank goodness we heal, right, Louann? If we can just hold on to that, it would make it a tiny bit easier. And, yes, parents/teachers/etc. NEED to really listen. Thanks for reading.
No one ever deserves to be bullied. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I know you've moved and grown beyond this, but it can still take you to a hurtful place and time.
I really like Girl Talk's campaign THINK: before you type, text, or say something ask is it: True,
Helpful,
Important,
Necessary,or
Kind?
Who could disagree with that?
no one, Dana. No one. <3
It amazes me that we humans can heal over our bullied wounds. And also that we can grow out of our bullying habits -- if that's the path we succumbed to as children. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Gae. Having moved on from it, it must have been strange to "go back there".
I know how you feel! How you felt..then..and How you feel now. Being a victim...I know what you mean. Yes we do heal! and dont give a fuck! I'm just 20 the memories arent gone completely...but they're on the verge of being nothing. And its not even worth thinking about. It happened we cant change it but we can let it go! We can stop wasting our time in thinking "Why me???". Thanks for sharing your story Gae...You have helped so many Silent victims of bullying and soothed their pain! You're a hero!
Shalaka
xoxo
Thank you Barb, and Shalaka.
It's not terrible to revisit. I feel mostly compassion. Both for the bullies and for myself. Though I probably wouldn't care to be friends with some of them. ;) And, no, Shalaka, at 20 the experience was still affecting how I functioned and viewed myself... but the grip loosens and eventually totally fades. And it definitely strengthens you if you let it. Love to you.
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